One Week Ago

One week ago, my family's world was turned upside down. Last Wednesday, we went to see our baby on the 20 week ultrasound, hear that everything was normal and leave with sweet baby pictures in our hands. What happened was two of those three. We went for our ultrasound and left with sweet baby pictures in our hands. We did not, however, hear that everything was okay. Our little baby, who we'd been loving for the sixteen weeks since we knew he or she was coming, was not growing very well. I think I speak for Ryan, too, when I say we left with our heart at our toes. Two hours after the ultrasound our midwife called and said they were concerned and we had to meet with the perinatologist right away the next morning. Little did we know how the next 24 hours would change our lives.


That night, as one can imagine, felt like days. We were both undeniably scared for what the next day held. We prayed for our baby, for ourselves. We told our parents of the news but couldn't provide them any answers at that point as we didn't have any.


Finally, the next morning came. We dropped Leah off at the sitter's and off we went. We checked in at 8:30 that Thursday morning. We went once again to look at our baby, only this time in much greater detail as the sonographer looked at every aspect and angle of baby. Then, we were left to wait in a room. After what seemed like hours (although was probably 5 minutes), the doctor came in after reviewing the images. What happened next crushed our hearts, changed our lives and made us pray harder than ever.


Our sweet little baby, we found out, is very sick. Baby was measuring at 16 weeks, although we were 19 weeks and 5 days. Our sweet baby has a neural tube defect, called an encephalocele, which is a spot at the back of the head where the cranium has failed to close and a sack is growing outside of the head. They also found a heart defect called a ventricular septal defect but there could be more since we can't see the baby's tiny heart very well. Our sweet baby also had some facial abnormalities and is missing fingers on its tiny hands. Never before did I think I could feel such heartbreak but such overwhelming love for this tiny baby inside me.


The doctor offered us testing which we did. The next hour was spent prepping and doing an amniocentesis, where a needle is placed through my abdomen into the amniotic sac to collect fluid from around the baby. The doctor was suspicious of a chromosomal abnormality and this is the test that will give us answers.


The rest of Thursday was spent in tears. We had to call our parents and tell them the news. I know how hard it is to see my own children hurt so I know the pain they must have felt hearing the news. We told close friends and our church. We did all of this while being numb, in a state of shock and in between rivers of tears. I felt angry. I went through the possibility of losing a child 9 years ago when Tanner had cancer and it didn't seem fair. I felt devastated, not knowing what the fate of our child is going to be. I felt pain, knowing we had to somehow explain this to Tanner.

Several of those feelings stayed with me the next couple of days. We took the kids to Omaha and the zoo as we had already planned. We spent the days focusing on the children we had, the ones who need us as much as the one we are growing. Over the next few days, however, my husband and I started to feel a peace about our situation. On Sunday at church, one of the things the teachings for the sermon was "Faith believes in God's bigger plan". We knew this was a message for us that God wanted us to hear.


Now Ryan and I are thanking God. This may not be the path we thought we would take, but for some reason, God gave this baby to us. He is trusting that we will be the best parents for this sweet baby, in whatever time we may or may not have. We surely continue to pray for a miracle, but know that may not be God's plan for us or this baby, and that's okay. We're going to love the baby, grow the baby and cherish the baby just as we would if we hadn't had the news. Through all of this, I know that God is with us and has a plan for us. We may never know the reason that this is the plan He chose for us.

Monday we had some preliminary results that came back. The preliminary results looked at chromosomes 13, 18 and 21, which are the 3 most common ones to have abnormalities. Those three looked normal so now we wait again to see what the final results show.


And here is our baby. The one so many have prayed for, the one we are already so in love with, the one God has given us.