Carstensen Family: January 2014

Bags are packed, labor playlist is ready, family is on standby and we’re ready for Simon to come any time now. It’s hard to believe we’re 39 weeks. Most didn’t think Simon would survive this long but he has proved many statistics wrong. I’m still feeling pretty good other than being tired and having some back pains but I’ll take it for the extra days, kicks and punches. I’m loving every little one of them. I’m having conflicting emotions the last couple weeks. I’m so excited to meet him but I know that as soon as we start saying hello we are going to start the process of saying goodbye. We have set a tentative induction for February 10^th so we’ll be meeting him in less than 2 weeks if he doesn’t decide to come on his own by then.

I just have to share a cute story (or two) about the big-eyed, petite little lady we have in our house that warms our hearts when we need it the most. She’s grown quite attached to her Simon bear the last couple weeks…maybe she knows? Last week she was carrying her Simon bear down the stairs. She hit the button for his heartbeat to play and she gasped, “Hear his heartbeat, Mommy? That’s Simon’s heart. I love Simon. Want to hear it again? Okay!” And she played it again, not waiting for an answer as to whether or not I wanted to hear it, which of course I did. We also have a bag for her with things to keep her entertained at the hospital. Silly me, I left it within reach the other day and she found it. I told her it was a bag for when we went to meet Simon. I again left it in reach (you’d really think I’d learn) and later that night she pulled it in the kitchen, huffing, puffing and grunting the whole way and in her little out of breath voice said “Here, Mommy. I’m ready to go meet Simon”. Cue the heart explosion for me! I know God gave us this little lady to be our little ray of sunshine in all of this. Don’t get me wrong, Tanner brings us so many awesome times, but he’s a little difficult to parent right now in his 10-year-old, I can do what I want, when I want attitude. I love him so much, but any parent knows there is a time in your life when being a parent isn’t as enjoyable as others and that’s just the wave we’re riding with him right now.

I continue to be completely overwhelmed by the amount of support we have received. Friends from work came up about a week and a half ago and brought us several freezer meals so Ryan and I don’t have to worry about cooking after Simon comes. We go to church with a couple and Ryan works with the husband and they brought us a meal as well. There are people who we don’t even know out there who care for us and it’s an amazing feeling and one we’re so grateful for.

About a week and a half ago at church we stayed after the service and had a prayer for our little Simon and our family. There were about 15 people who surrounded us and we all prayed to God to bless every step of this path, to get time with Simon, for my safety as I deliver him, to help our family heal and deal with our new reality. It felt so good to have the power in numbers around us and around little Simon. The power in the room was overwhelming.

So many people have wondered how we’re handling this the way we are. And frankly, it’s not me. It’s God. He’s giving us the peace we need to handle this and get through it. Without him and without the promise of a heavenly life for Simon? I’d be a complete and utter basketcase to be honest. So my challenge to all of you reading this, if you don’t have God and Jesus in your life is to seek them out. As a young adult, I lost sight of my faith and I think this is a transition that many go through. Ryan and I tried a couple churches after we got married(and with one or two really awkward experiences) and finally found a church where we felt comfortable. I still struggle with building my faith, but I am so glad I had a good base when all of this started with Simon. Faith isn’t something that can be built by simply finding a church and saying you believe. That’s a start, but you have to dig deeper, you have to read his word and continue to try to live the way he wants. Many of you reading this may think I’m the “perfect” Christian because of how much I’m relying on him. But I’m far from it. I make choices I shouldn’t. I don’t read scripture the way I should. I have a hard time praying with my husband. I haven’t started engaging in bible studies and other activities with the church that I’ve said I would for quite some time. I don’t carry him with me everywhere in life like I should. I often act in a selfish and un-Godly manner. But I’m trying. I’m trying to live a life for him and to honor him and do his work. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. I’m trying because it’s what I want and what I know he wants for me. So while I’ll never be a perfect Christian, I know that I’m trying, one day at a time, to get to a place where I can continue to serve him. There are awkward moments (like admitting all of this), but for the person who doesn’t know where to start, I hope it speaks to you, that you don’t have to know several bible verses by heart, you don’t have to have read the entire bible. Start with the true belief that Jesus is your savior and build from there.

Simon’s birth is going to be the first birth I will experience that I am counting on God to give me strength to let my body do what it needs to do. My playlist I have prepared that is Christ-centered, songs that remind me how much he loves me, how he gives strength, and how he is hurting with me. I think that although Simon’s birth will be the hardest one, I’m hoping I remember it as a beautiful experience, one that God has pulled me through.

That is all for now. Next time I post (or someone else posts for me), it very well may be the day we welcome Simon. We’re hoping to have a quiet birth and for his time here on earth to be surrounded by those who are the closest to us. I know some of you would love to visit, but Ryan and I feel this is something that we need to do privately, to celebrate his birth and whatever time we have with him. We ask that you continue to pray for us and our family to make the most of the time we have with him and to help us in the time after we have to say goodbye. And thank you all, so very much. For every tear you’ve shared, for every thought you’ve given us, to every prayer you’ve sent. Thank you for being part of what is giving us strength.

Simon at 38 weeks 3 days

Yesterday, we had the blessing of seeing Simon for the final time on ultrasound. I can't tell you the range of emotions that came over me. It's always exciting to see your little one on ultrasound, bouncing around, waving hands and kicking feet. On the way to the ultrasound, I couldn't help but think that it was so bittersweet, the excitement of seeing Simon again but knowing there's a real chance this could be the last time we see him with his little heart beating. Even with that though, Ryan mentioned how it was the best ultrasound we've had yet. And yes, it was. We didn't have to analyze what things were, we didn't have to worry about the bad news the doctor had looming after. It was pure joy, every minute of it. Our children and my mother were able to come and see little Simon, too. He's measuring in at 2 pounds 3 ounces right now, so he's going to be quite a bitty little guy. We have an outfit for him that Ryan and I picked out and he'll surely swim in it, but he'll still be perfect.

We were 36 weeks yesterday by our due date that was adjusted, 37 weeks today by our original due date. Part of me is so ready to meet this little guy and hold him and love him in our arms, but a huge part of me wants to stay pregnant forever and keep feeling his little kicks and rolls. Everything is "ready" for him to come, as much as it can be anyways. We did maternity pictures last week and they turned out wonderful. The photographer did such a great job and I can't thank her enough. The photos will bring us so many beautiful memories with Simon.

Last night as Ryan and I were laying in bed, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him I was thinking how completely overwhelming it is to know so many people care for us. There are people who have shared in our sorrow from near and far and some who don't even know us at all. The thoughts, prayers, cards, hugs and everything else has done has been a reminder of how blessed we are in this life. I can't thank you all enough for what you've done for us and how I know you all will continue to support us, even after Simon is gone from this earth.

Here is a song I want to share with you all. It's a tear-jerker for sure, but it's a beautiful song, written by a couple who lost their child after carrying her knowing that she wouldn't survive out of the womb.

You're probably crying now, so sorry for that. But it's beautiful. I cry every time I hear it. "I will praise the one who has chosen me to carry you." This has been the most heartbreaking time of my life, but I am so, so blessed to be Simon's mommy. He has taught me so much about my life, my relationship with Jesus, what kind of mommy to be and what's really important in life. I will cherish the memories that we've made with him and continue to love him. And I know someday I'll be able to love him the way I want to. I know he'll be waiting for us. Like the song says, too, Jesus will hold him and love him, so much better than we ever can until we're able to do it ourselves.

On a happier note, here are some more pictures of Simon, as I promised and as have been long overdue. It's been such a blessing to carry this little guy, to be his mommy and to feel him moving inside of me. I wouldn't trade the tears I've cried and the heartbreak I've felt for the joy of loving him.