Another long overdue update.

So…back to this blogging business.  Quite a bit has changed since my last update.  Here’s a blurb on it.

Job-I started my job last September.  It’s pretty awesome.  I get my own office (with a window!), underground parking and get to work with some pretty awesome people, both providers and staff.  I’ve learned so much the last year.  It’s truly been a great place to start my career.

House-It’s done!  My poor parents suffered through us living in their house for 8 months (or maybe we suffered for 8 months…).  We moved into our new house in April.  It’s seriously such a blessing.  I love every bit of it, especially my cabinet that holds my cookie sheets.  I didn’t even know I wanted it.  But really, we’re so lucky to have this little piece of land and our home.  The kids and dog have room to run, hopefully next year will bring us a garden-more than the corn patch that we had this year.  And our Simon tree is planted, which makes it feel even more like home.  We waited a long time to get that in the ground.  I love seeing it from all of the back windows of the house, it makes me think of Simon every time I see it.

Tanner-He. Is. 12.  Twelve.  XII.  So…weird.  He’s almost a teenager.  I’m not really sure when that happened.  He’s rocking the 6^th grade right now.  He’s getting ready to go to D.C. with Grandpa Gute for a few days next month.  I’m so excited for his opportunity. 

Leah-She’s spunky.  Right now, she’s laying on the couch boycotting a nap because of course…she’s not tired.  When is a 3 year old tired?  Surely the fact that she’s crying at absolutely everything doesn’t mean she’s tired. ..  At any rate, she’s nearly 4.  She started preschool this year and is learning a lot of letters, numbers, songs and even learns more about Jesus at her preschool.  This girl is truly a blessing in our lives.

Ryan and I are just fine.  We’re living this dream life and sometimes it’s hard to believe.  I watched him one day last week with the kids.  My eyes welted up with tears…this is what I dreamed of when I was little.  This is it.  I really do have it all and somedays I get so caught up in life that I forget how truly blessed I am.

So our other news…our big news is that we’re adding to our family.  And we’re not adding one, we’re adding two.  What a surprise!  We found out we were pregnant at the tail end of August.  I was pretty sure I wasn’t pregnant because several tests had been negative so I took just one more…and BAM!  We’re having a baby!  We were so excited!  I was on cloud 9 that whole day.  But…as any PAL (pregnancy after loss) mom knows, my excitement was soon filled with fear and anxiety.  My emotions were a roller coaster.  I was so glad when our high risk OB doctor wanted to do an early ultrasound at about 8 weeks.  I really didn’t want to have to wait any longer. 

From the time we found out we were pregnant until our ultrasound I was a nervous wreck.  As crazy as it sounds, I couldn’t wait for 6 weeks for my morning sickness to kick in.  Every one of the other kids blessed me with awful morning sickness as soon as I hit 6 weeks.  It was like clockwork.  So 6 weeks rolled around, I had my meds ready to fight it…but nothing.  Then 6 ½ weeks…7 weeks…nothing.  I was so wishing it would start to give me a sign my baby was growing okay.  I was a nervous wreck.  Finally 8 weeks hit and it was time for our ultrasound.  I remember sitting in the waiting room telling myself to breathe.  I felt an elephant on my chest.  I was just reliving getting awful news about Simon.  I was imagining going into the ultrasound room and the tech saying she had to get the doctor.  And the news that we didn’t have a viable pregnancy.  And then the waiting-what would I do-would I wait for my body to pass the baby naturally?  Would I take the pill?  What would I tell the kids?  Would I ever be able to walk this road again if I had another loss?  Oh, the tricks the mind plays on you, the way the devil enters your mind is phenomenal.  In the midst of my thoughts, I was people watching…because I just like to.  There was a couple there who was visibly pregnant.  At the desk I heard her saying it was her first time there.  She sat down and waited.  Her husband had his arm around her.  She looked like she was worried.  I heard him say to her “relax…breathe”.  They were there just like we were there nearly two years ago.  They had found something to say their baby wasn’t perfect.  My heart broke for them.  My own selfish thoughts stopped.  I started thinking about their journey.  I hoped it wasn’t something life threatening, something they could face head on and deal with.  But really, I had no idea.  So I just prayed for them.  Prayed for me and our baby.  And I could breathe a little bit again. 

So, all of that and we get in the room.  Still can’t breathe.  I change into the gown.  The ultrasound tech comes back and she has a student.  This poor student, I thought.  She has to see how cruel the world can be.  I really was so convinced that my baby wasn’t okay.  So…can you imagine to my surprise when the ultrasound tech found TWO babies?!  She asked if this was our first ultrasound and of course it was.  Ryan and I both knew when she said that that we had two babies (we both thought maybe the second circle was my bladder).  TWO BABIES!!!!  And she said they both had strong heartbeats.  Two babies.  Two heartbeats.  God is good.  I failed to trust Him, the devil had me just like he wanted me coming into that ultrasound.  Scared, doubting.  But God is more powerful and look at what He had given us.  Tears streamed from my face.  And the only thing I could think of was Simon.  This was Simon and Jesus and Ryan’s grandpa.  They gave us these babies and they were just laughing as Ryan and I continued in shock.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.  Sometimes I let myself forget that.

To say I haven’t continued to have doubts and anxiety would be a huge understatement.  Until these babies are in my arms, I will probably continue to have a lot of doubts and fears.  Immediately after the ultrasound, however, I remember thinking that God wants us to have these babies.  He isn’t going to take them away.  He wants us to keep them, I just know it. 

About a week ago, right after we announced our pregnancy to the Facebook world, I started bleeding.  When you have pregnancy after a loss, every time you go to the bathroom, you look for blood.  Of course, there usually isn’t but this time there was.  My heart was in my toes.  I was so excited and now I was bleeding.  I talked to our doctor who advised I put my feet up, take some Tylenol and drink a lot of water.  So I did.  But the bleeding got heavier.  Really, really heavy…like I was sure there’s no way I still had babies in there.  We ended up going to the ER.  On the way to the ER I felt a peace, though.  I prayed and I knew that whatever was going on, God was taking care of our babies.  I knew it was possible that they weren’t still in my womb but I still just had a peace that God’s got this.  He really, really did.  I just knew it.  Long story short, our babies were okay, both wiggling around on the ultrasound in the ER.  There was, however, a large area of bleeding called a subchorionic hemorrhage.  I had no idea what that meant other than it was scary. 

The next morning, I talked to our doctor.  She advised that I be off work and keep my feet up until the next week when I had another ultrasound scheduled.  So, that’s what I did.  The last week I’ve been home with my feet up, relaxing (read: being bored).  We had another ultrasound yesterday and unfortunately, it had increased significantly in size.  So, more bedrest for me and we see how it looks in another 2-3 weeks.  Hopefully at that time it is gone or really gone down in size but time will tell.  In the meantime, I’ve had pretty awesome friends offering up meals and coming to see me so I don’t go crazy.  Today, I watched a video on how to crochet.  Not sure if I’ll be any good at it but maybe I can talk Leah into wearing something I make? 

So, over the next three weeks, I might have a lot of time to blog, sleep, watch Netflix, read my bible, sleep…and the list goes on.  Should be a good time.

Pssst…the non-tired 3 year old is now sleeping.  Mom wins!

A long overdue update

So…it has been a while.  I find myself often thinking of things to write here but something in life comes up and shoves the blog to the back burner (or more realistic completely off the stove).  So…here it is, a much needed update.

 

Obviously in the past, our blog has revolved around Simon.  Although he continues to be a big part of our lives, I feel like I need to dedicate time to the rest of our family.  Every day is a little easier.  We don’t miss Simon any less but the pain gets a little more bearable each day.  Some moments and some days are harder than others but most days I smile when I think of his life and how lucky we were to be blessed with him, even though for a much shorter time than we would have liked.

 

To say our life has been crazy the last couple months would be a complete understatement.  Tanner finished 4^th grade and is headed off to 5^th grade in about 3 weeks!  Leah is managing her big (read: BIG) 2 year old emotions.  She’s quite the firecracker but gives us lots of laughs, too.

In June I accepted a position as a nurse practitioner in an internal medicine clinic in Des Moines.  The acceptance of this job is prompting a move.  The job is at a clinic attached to the hospital I work at now but my schedule will go from 1-2 days a week now to 5 days a week when I start at the clinic.  Deciding to move was a hard decision but we also know that I can’t commute an hour each way, every day.  I wouldn’t see Ryan or the kids and it would be incredibly stressful.  We’re so very sad to leave our neighbors and community but this is what I have worked for the last several years.  It’s hard to believe it’s finally here.

Now, let me tell you a story about how our house sold.  I prayed for the two weeks before we put it on the market that God would bring the right family and that He would give me patience in waiting for the house to sell.  The week before we put it on the market, Pastor Jim called me.  He had received an email from a couple who had visited our church asking if he knew of anyone who had a house on the market or for rent.  Jim put us in touch and we proceeded to email back and forth a couple of times with questions about the house and the day before we put it on the market the husband came to look at it.  June 30^th we put the house on the market and 5 days later we settled an offer with this couple!  I love to see the ways God continues to work in our lives.  Knowing He so clearly orchestrated this sale makes it a little easier to leave.  

So as of July 31^st, we’re homeless.  Luckily my parents have agreed to let us stay and have 3 extra bedrooms and a lot of extra space that we can inhabit…and stuff full of our belongings.  We have also made the decision to build a house in Bondurant, which is where I grew up.  We’re aware it will create stress on our marriage but I also know that we are very good communicators and we’ll get through it.  We’re currently working with a builder to finalize the floor plan for our dream home and hope to get building sometime in the late summer/early fall.  We’re both quite excited-we’ll have a beautiful home, acre lot and will be surrounded by a corn field!  Life is good.

Christ’s Sacrifice for a Grieving Mother

Of all of the Easters I’ve ever experienced, this is the year that I treasure the meaning of Easter the most.  I’ve always been a Christian but it’s no surprise that my faith in our Savior has grown this year by exponential amounts.  And this year, I appreciate His sacrifice so much more than I ever have.  This year, I have a different view of what He did for me and you. 

The first thing that makes this year different is from a far off distance, I feel like I can empathize with God.  We now have something in common-we’ve both lost a son.  My mama heart hurts so much from the loss of Simon.  And I know that Simon left his earthly life while he was cradled in my womb.  He felt no pain while he passed from this life into the next and he never had to experience the pain this world has to offer.  God, however, gave His son, knowing full well what was going to happen to him.  He was going to be ridiculed, mocked, doubted, beaten, spit on, and ultimately nails were driven through his hands and feet as He was nailed to His cross.  Christ suffered the pain for us.  He cried out to His Father on the cross, “My God, My God, Why have your forsaken me?”  I can’t imagine a love so intense that you would give your only son to suffer the fate Christ did.  All so you and I could live, long after this life. 
The second thing that makes this Easter even more of a celebration is that because of Christ’s sacrifice I get to meet my son someday.  I also know that Simon is living in Heaven, free of pain and basking in all of its glory and beauty.  Because of Christ, my son lives.  Because of Christ, sinners like you and I have the hope of experiencing a glorious, eternal life someday.  

So this year, Easter is so much more for me.  It’s the hope I have even more for the future.  It’s the promise that Christ has something great for me, Simon and the rest of my family.  It’s the promise of Amazing Grace.  He lived and died so that we could live for eternity.  

Hallelujah! Christ has Risen!

Happy Easter!

"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.'" John 11:25-26

 

I am going to be okay

I’ve been sitting on the couch for days, sometimes mustering up the strength to color or play…one day I even scrapbooked.  I’ve gotten out of the house a few times with Ryan and even ventured out once with both of the kids…by myself *gasp*.  It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  No one told me what it would be like.  No one told me how bad my heart would hurt.  No one told me how I would be fine one moment and in tears the next.  No one told me how much my arms would need a baby.  No one told me I’d look at every pregnant woman and every infant and feel an undeniable jealousy.  No one told me that the moment we handed over our baby would be the hardest moment of my life, that it would feel like my heart was being taken out of my chest and stomped on.  No one told me because no one could.  No one could have prepared me for what it’s like when you lose a part of yourself, your child.  I’m sure people would love to warn you, just as I’d like to warn other parents, but you can’t…you just can’t.  You can’t put into words or imaginable emotions the agony and anguish your heart feels when a part of you is gone.  

What people can tell you is how to help yourself.  I found an amazing support group online for parents who have gone through a similar loss.  I posted one day that I just couldn’t find the strength to do anything, even play with Leah.  They had such great words.  Several of them said start with baby steps-get yourself dressed, make sure you’re both eating, start with something as small as coloring with your daughter.  And I did.  I’ve been dressed most days, we’ve had something to eat for lunch every day, even if it is the same thing 3 days in a row because my mind and body just can’t do more.  And we’ve colored…which turned into reading…which turned into cooking at her kitchen…which has turned into doing puzzles…which has turned into smiles for this mama.  Not guilty smiles either.  The first few days, I felt guilty if I laughed…did Simon know that even though I was smiling or laughing, I was still thinking about him?  Did he think I was forgetting about how much my heart hurt for him?  Did he know that I still would give anything for him to be in my arms?  Did he know that even though I was smiling, I was still needed him?  I know those feelings are so silly, but it doesn’t stop a hurting mama heart from wondering.  

There’s been more light in every day.  There has been a lighter feeling about me and my heart.  I don’t wake up in a sweat at night because I’m clenching Simon’s bear so hard.  I am functioning to get us by, even if it is at a much lower level than is normal.  I am cleaning our house, making some meals, getting off the couch during the day.  I’m soaking in lyrics to songs about hurt and healing without breaking down every time.  I’m looking at pictures of Simon and loving the memories instead of just crying. 

Today I sat down and read through my entire blog for the first time since Simon left us.  I cried, I laughed, I remembered what each of those moments was like.  I remembered crying as I wrote certain parts of those blogs.  And as I write now, one sticks out to me.  I am sad, I am strong.  It feels like me, right now.  I’m sad, I miss my baby so much, I miss feeling kicks on my right side, I miss waking up in the middle of the night because he was pushing…I miss not having this empty arms feeling.  But I’m strong.  I’m going to be okay and although some moments I don’t know that it’s true, my whole being knows it.  I know I am going to get through this because I am strong and so are those around me.  I’m being held up by my husband.  He’s holding me through every cry, through every sleepless moment…he makes sure I know how much he loves me, even if it’s with a look.  He’s my rock and because of him and everything we are together, I am going to be okay.

Simon's birth story

The last 10 days have definitely been some of the longest in my life.  I’ve had so many thoughts ranging from happy to devastated, excited to cautious.  There have been so many thoughts I’ve wanted to write but I needed the time to just breathe and live in the moment.  Ryan went back to work today and is going to work every other day this week to ease us all into our new normal life before going back full-time next week.   So far the day has been okay, a few ups and downs but I think that’s to be expected.

I’ve realized in this process just how much relief writing provides.  I’ll be honest, I do it mostly for myself, but I know everyone who reads our posts cares so much about us.  I do want to say that every message that has been sent, via email, Facebook or snail mail has been read, even if I don’t reply.  Ryan and I have been so blessed in this experience to realize how many people care about our family.  We’ve been humbled by everyone’s kind words and gestures and I hope you all know how much we truly, truly appreciate every ounce of kindness that’s been shown and/or spoken to us.  

I’ve found myself the last 10 days telling everyone that will listen our birth story (or parts of it).  This whole pregnancy I’ve had three wishes: 1. To meet Simon alive 2. To have a natural delivery and 3. To let Simon choose his own day to be born.  Our birth story started on February 6^th which was Simon’s due date.  I don’t think anyone, including us, thought Simon would make it as far as he did in pregnancy.  He was definitely a little fighter.  At 4:30am on February 6^th, I started having some bleeding and was contracting every 10 minutes or so.  Some of the contractions would get a little worse and some weren’t so bad.  This lasted intermittently throughout the morning along with lower back pain but nothing ever got too bad.  We had an appointment with Dr. Amy at 11:15 that morning and we were going to discuss our induction that would happen on Monday if Simon still hadn’t been born.  I picked Ryan up around 10:15 to head down to Des Moines.  We talked on the way there, as we had been the last week, that Simon really hadn’t been moving.  We talked about the possibility that he was gone and we both knew that it was okay if he was-we’d been blessed with so much time with him already.  We got to the doctor’s office, checked in and waited a while past our appointment time to meet with Dr. Amy.  I was contracting intermittently throughout the waiting but still, wasn’t too bad.  We finally went back to the room after getting my weight and urine sample.  The nurse did the routine things like my blood pressure and heart rate.  Then she got out the Doppler to listen to Simon’s heart.  Ryan and I looked at each other, a look that couldn’t be put into words.  We knew this was the “moment of truth”.  The nurse put the Doppler on my stomach and Ryan and I knew right away that he was gone.  Simon’s heart was found immediately on our other visits so we knew.  We just kept looking at each other, occasionally glancing at the nurse who I’m pretty sure was more nervous than we were.  We both had time to accept that this was a possibility coming into this appointment.  The nurse kept saying that maybe he was just sitting funny or maybe he had flipped breach and that Dr. Amy would likely find his heart rate.  I found myself easing her and telling her it was okay and that we knew he was probably gone.  She left and then Dr. Amy came in pretty quickly after.  We did the normal chat and I told her that I had been having some changes already.  She checked my cervix and I was dilated to 1cm but not effaced very much.  She then listened for a heartbeat and couldn’t find one either which was no surprise, again.  She said we’d go down to do an ultrasound as soon as the previous person was finished.  She went out, I got dressed and a few minutes later we were headed into the ultrasound room.  I laid down on the table and got my stomach exposed for them to do the ultrasound.  Ryan sat down with Leah and we took each other’s hands.  First, Dr. Amy made sure he was still head down, which he was.  I anxiously watched the screen, looking for that little movement I watched for so many times before.  But there was none.  Amy showed us the screen, pointed out his ribcage and his heart.  His still heart, not beating the way we’d seen it many times before.  I started crying immediately, knowing my fear and my instinct were correct yet again in this pregnancy.  My heart broke there in that little room, for I knew that he would never look at me, that I would never hear his cry, see his little chest move up and down or hold him in my arms while he slipped into the arms of Jesus.  So many emotions flooded over me.  Dr. Amy told us we could be admitted immediately or we could go home and get our things first and come back.  I had said the entire pregnancy that if we found out we lost him, I wanted my body to go into labor on its own as long as it was safe for me.  So I told her we didn’t want to be induced immediately and we decided on inducing on Saturday so that Dr. Amy would be there to deliver since she was on call starting at 7am that day.  Ryan and I stayed in the room for a couple minutes and finally went out and made our way to the car.  

I got to the car and as we were leaving the hospital, I called my dad and Ryan called his dad.  My mom was awaiting our phone call so she would know how the appointment went but she was home alone so we ended up going there to tell her.  With my dad and my mom, through tears I said that he was gone, that we had lost him.  I knew this was a real possibility this entire pregnancy but saying those words and confirming that they were true ripped at my heart.  We updated our parents on the plan to be admitted at 7pm Friday night for a Saturday induction.  After visiting my mom and seeing my dad who had come home, we went home.  We decided our last night at home with Simon was going to be spent doing something as a family, spending time together.  We all watched the Olympics that night and got one final adventure picture with Simon watching the Olympics.  The rest of the night was uneventful.  We got the kids to bed and took a bath because I was still having some contractions and was sore.  We went to bed that night around 10 and just held each other and talked and at some point drifted off to sleep.

At 2:30am, I woke up with more contractions.  They were a little more intense, enough that they were waking me up.  They continued every 7-15 minutes or so and I would just fall asleep before another started.  At 4:30 I took some Benadryl so that I could sleep a little easier in between contractions which worked like a charm.  I slept in between contractions until about 6:30 when they started getting a little more intense but stayed about 7-10 minutes apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of laying there in my bed with my husband holding my hand, rubbing my face or arm, reminding me to breathe and telling me how good I was doing.  It was beautiful to lay there, with him, as my body was working on bringing our child into this world.  Around 7:30 we got out of bed and headed downstairs.  Tanner was home for the day since we knew this was our last day at home and that we’d be heading in that night to have Simon.  I laid on the couch for the morning listening to worship music as contractions came every 5-7 minutes.  Ryan was there to hold my hand through most of the contractions and if he wasn’t, Tanner let me squeeze his.  I continued to feel the contractions get stronger and eventually they started coming closer together.  Ryan mentioned several times that maybe it was time to go to the hospital, but I told him it was okay and we’d wait a while yet.  I insisted that I take a bath, too.  Ryan and Leah went up to the bathroom and ran me bath water.  Leah (who always makes us laugh) asked whose bath it was and Ryan told her it was Mommy’s.  She then insisted that I have a green bath with her color tablets that we bought her for Christmas.  I came upstairs, got in the bath and it felt so good.  The whole time I was in the bath, Leah insisted that she get undressed and join me and even threw her toys in for me to play with.  At one point, she leaned over the tub and fell head first into the tub which necessitated an outfit change.  I continued contracting every 4-6 minutes for a while and then contractions quickly started coming every 2-4 minutes.  I decided maybe now it was time to go to the hospital so I told Ryan.  He went to get the van started and loaded while I got out of the tub and made my way downstairs.  We eventually made it out to the van just before 11am.  As I was walking there, however, I had another very painful contraction and felt a lot of pressure.  Ladies, you know how to make your husband a little nervous?  Labor all morning and refuse his thoughts of going to the hospital but then when you decide it’s time tell him “I think we should hurry”.  Did I mention it takes nearly an hour to get to the hospital from our house?  I’m not going to lie, it was kind of funny.  I sent our OB doctor a text and let her know that we were on our way down with contractions coming often.  She let me know she would try to be there but I knew she was in clinic that day and it was unlikely.  I asked her who was on call and it just so happened to be the doctor that I didn’t care for that I saw earlier in the pregnancy.  I told Ryan this and like we both said, it didn’t matter, we would be okay no matter what.

The whole way down to Des Moines, I listened to my worship/labor music.  I remember focusing on the words and praying for God to get me through every contraction and I felt like he was taking my pain away.  It was amazing how different the contractions were when I was able to focus versus the ones that I just couldn’t focus on anything but the pain.  Ryan called our parents and let them know we were headed to the hospital and my parents were planning on meeting us there to take the kids with his parents coming shortly after.  We arrived at the hospital and after stopping several times for contractions, made it to the check-in desk.  I signed my papers and watched the secretary as she wrote our check-in time down: 11:43am.  As soon as we got to the desk, I saw the nurse that delivered Leah standing there and I just knew she would be our nurse…and sure enough, she was.  That made Ryan and I feel so good, to see a familiar face, even if she didn’t remember ours (which I’m sure she didn’t).  On our way down to our room we met my dad as he was getting off the elevator.  We got down to our room and Audra, our nurse, gave me a gown to get changed and said she’d be back in a bit to get an IV started and get us settled in.  I changed, continued having contractions the whole time and was slightly miserable with the pain.  Ryan continued to be supportive and help me through them.  I was thinking at that point how good pain medicine sounded, even though I didn’t think I wanted any before.  At 12:15, Audra came back into our room.  She asked me about pain medication and I told her I wanted to see how far along I was before I decided on whether or not I wanted any.  My parents left at that point to take the kids down to get them some lunch.  I got in the bed and around 12:20, Audra checked my cervix.  She could feel the bag of water bulging and didn’t want to break it.  She first said that she thought I was pretty far along and I just thought to myself “Thank you, God!  I bet I’m 5-6cm already!”  She kept feeling and looked a little confused almost. She finally said that I was fully dilated.  I immediately got so scared.  I was excited to be fully dilated and to meet our baby but in my heart I knew that this pregnancy was over and that the next phase was going to start, the one where we mourned the loss of our son.  I sent Dr. Amy a message that I was fully dilated because she wanted me to keep her updated.  She sent me back a message that said “I’m walking over. Which room r u?”  I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see that message.  She came in our room at about 12:25pm and got all of her “attire” on.  As she was and getting everything ready to check me, my mom came back in, not realizing how close things were.  I was in tears and I asked my mom to come here and I told her I just needed a hug.  I hugged my mom so tight and then she was gone.  I looked down and saw tears in Amy’s eyes.  I have to tell you how beautiful of a person she is and how lucky we were to have her as part of our care.  At 12:30pm, Amy checked my cervix herself to be sure I was fully dilated, which I was, and broke my water.  I started pushing.  I remember Amy saying how much hair he had as she saw him coming down and I remember her saying he was looking at Daddy as he came out.  At 12:35pm, after less than 5 minutes of pushing, Simon Leo Carstensen was born into this world.  He was laid up on my chest and I started bawling.  He was so perfect…SO perfect.  He was our baby and no matter what was physically wrong with him, that’s all he was at that moment…our perfect baby boy.    

Our birth was amazing.  I couldn’t have wished for anything more.  Even though I wanted him to be born alive, I was so relieved that he wasn’t.  I can’t fathom how hard birth would have been on his little body.  Knowing that he didn’t suffer provides me great relief.  We got our other two wishes, Simon chose his own day and we had an amazingly beautiful birth.  I don’t care what anyone says, our birth was perfectly orchestrated by someone higher than us.  God gave us this glorious birth with our son that he knew we needed…and like Ryan said, I’m sure Simon was there pleading our case.

I’ll write more later, when I need a little more therapy