I am going to be okay

I’ve been sitting on the couch for days, sometimes mustering up the strength to color or play…one day I even scrapbooked.  I’ve gotten out of the house a few times with Ryan and even ventured out once with both of the kids…by myself *gasp*.  It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  No one told me what it would be like.  No one told me how bad my heart would hurt.  No one told me how I would be fine one moment and in tears the next.  No one told me how much my arms would need a baby.  No one told me I’d look at every pregnant woman and every infant and feel an undeniable jealousy.  No one told me that the moment we handed over our baby would be the hardest moment of my life, that it would feel like my heart was being taken out of my chest and stomped on.  No one told me because no one could.  No one could have prepared me for what it’s like when you lose a part of yourself, your child.  I’m sure people would love to warn you, just as I’d like to warn other parents, but you can’t…you just can’t.  You can’t put into words or imaginable emotions the agony and anguish your heart feels when a part of you is gone.  

What people can tell you is how to help yourself.  I found an amazing support group online for parents who have gone through a similar loss.  I posted one day that I just couldn’t find the strength to do anything, even play with Leah.  They had such great words.  Several of them said start with baby steps-get yourself dressed, make sure you’re both eating, start with something as small as coloring with your daughter.  And I did.  I’ve been dressed most days, we’ve had something to eat for lunch every day, even if it is the same thing 3 days in a row because my mind and body just can’t do more.  And we’ve colored…which turned into reading…which turned into cooking at her kitchen…which has turned into doing puzzles…which has turned into smiles for this mama.  Not guilty smiles either.  The first few days, I felt guilty if I laughed…did Simon know that even though I was smiling or laughing, I was still thinking about him?  Did he think I was forgetting about how much my heart hurt for him?  Did he know that I still would give anything for him to be in my arms?  Did he know that even though I was smiling, I was still needed him?  I know those feelings are so silly, but it doesn’t stop a hurting mama heart from wondering.  

There’s been more light in every day.  There has been a lighter feeling about me and my heart.  I don’t wake up in a sweat at night because I’m clenching Simon’s bear so hard.  I am functioning to get us by, even if it is at a much lower level than is normal.  I am cleaning our house, making some meals, getting off the couch during the day.  I’m soaking in lyrics to songs about hurt and healing without breaking down every time.  I’m looking at pictures of Simon and loving the memories instead of just crying. 

Today I sat down and read through my entire blog for the first time since Simon left us.  I cried, I laughed, I remembered what each of those moments was like.  I remembered crying as I wrote certain parts of those blogs.  And as I write now, one sticks out to me.  I am sad, I am strong.  It feels like me, right now.  I’m sad, I miss my baby so much, I miss feeling kicks on my right side, I miss waking up in the middle of the night because he was pushing…I miss not having this empty arms feeling.  But I’m strong.  I’m going to be okay and although some moments I don’t know that it’s true, my whole being knows it.  I know I am going to get through this because I am strong and so are those around me.  I’m being held up by my husband.  He’s holding me through every cry, through every sleepless moment…he makes sure I know how much he loves me, even if it’s with a look.  He’s my rock and because of him and everything we are together, I am going to be okay.

Simon's birth story

The last 10 days have definitely been some of the longest in my life.  I’ve had so many thoughts ranging from happy to devastated, excited to cautious.  There have been so many thoughts I’ve wanted to write but I needed the time to just breathe and live in the moment.  Ryan went back to work today and is going to work every other day this week to ease us all into our new normal life before going back full-time next week.   So far the day has been okay, a few ups and downs but I think that’s to be expected.

I’ve realized in this process just how much relief writing provides.  I’ll be honest, I do it mostly for myself, but I know everyone who reads our posts cares so much about us.  I do want to say that every message that has been sent, via email, Facebook or snail mail has been read, even if I don’t reply.  Ryan and I have been so blessed in this experience to realize how many people care about our family.  We’ve been humbled by everyone’s kind words and gestures and I hope you all know how much we truly, truly appreciate every ounce of kindness that’s been shown and/or spoken to us.  

I’ve found myself the last 10 days telling everyone that will listen our birth story (or parts of it).  This whole pregnancy I’ve had three wishes: 1. To meet Simon alive 2. To have a natural delivery and 3. To let Simon choose his own day to be born.  Our birth story started on February 6^th which was Simon’s due date.  I don’t think anyone, including us, thought Simon would make it as far as he did in pregnancy.  He was definitely a little fighter.  At 4:30am on February 6^th, I started having some bleeding and was contracting every 10 minutes or so.  Some of the contractions would get a little worse and some weren’t so bad.  This lasted intermittently throughout the morning along with lower back pain but nothing ever got too bad.  We had an appointment with Dr. Amy at 11:15 that morning and we were going to discuss our induction that would happen on Monday if Simon still hadn’t been born.  I picked Ryan up around 10:15 to head down to Des Moines.  We talked on the way there, as we had been the last week, that Simon really hadn’t been moving.  We talked about the possibility that he was gone and we both knew that it was okay if he was-we’d been blessed with so much time with him already.  We got to the doctor’s office, checked in and waited a while past our appointment time to meet with Dr. Amy.  I was contracting intermittently throughout the waiting but still, wasn’t too bad.  We finally went back to the room after getting my weight and urine sample.  The nurse did the routine things like my blood pressure and heart rate.  Then she got out the Doppler to listen to Simon’s heart.  Ryan and I looked at each other, a look that couldn’t be put into words.  We knew this was the “moment of truth”.  The nurse put the Doppler on my stomach and Ryan and I knew right away that he was gone.  Simon’s heart was found immediately on our other visits so we knew.  We just kept looking at each other, occasionally glancing at the nurse who I’m pretty sure was more nervous than we were.  We both had time to accept that this was a possibility coming into this appointment.  The nurse kept saying that maybe he was just sitting funny or maybe he had flipped breach and that Dr. Amy would likely find his heart rate.  I found myself easing her and telling her it was okay and that we knew he was probably gone.  She left and then Dr. Amy came in pretty quickly after.  We did the normal chat and I told her that I had been having some changes already.  She checked my cervix and I was dilated to 1cm but not effaced very much.  She then listened for a heartbeat and couldn’t find one either which was no surprise, again.  She said we’d go down to do an ultrasound as soon as the previous person was finished.  She went out, I got dressed and a few minutes later we were headed into the ultrasound room.  I laid down on the table and got my stomach exposed for them to do the ultrasound.  Ryan sat down with Leah and we took each other’s hands.  First, Dr. Amy made sure he was still head down, which he was.  I anxiously watched the screen, looking for that little movement I watched for so many times before.  But there was none.  Amy showed us the screen, pointed out his ribcage and his heart.  His still heart, not beating the way we’d seen it many times before.  I started crying immediately, knowing my fear and my instinct were correct yet again in this pregnancy.  My heart broke there in that little room, for I knew that he would never look at me, that I would never hear his cry, see his little chest move up and down or hold him in my arms while he slipped into the arms of Jesus.  So many emotions flooded over me.  Dr. Amy told us we could be admitted immediately or we could go home and get our things first and come back.  I had said the entire pregnancy that if we found out we lost him, I wanted my body to go into labor on its own as long as it was safe for me.  So I told her we didn’t want to be induced immediately and we decided on inducing on Saturday so that Dr. Amy would be there to deliver since she was on call starting at 7am that day.  Ryan and I stayed in the room for a couple minutes and finally went out and made our way to the car.  

I got to the car and as we were leaving the hospital, I called my dad and Ryan called his dad.  My mom was awaiting our phone call so she would know how the appointment went but she was home alone so we ended up going there to tell her.  With my dad and my mom, through tears I said that he was gone, that we had lost him.  I knew this was a real possibility this entire pregnancy but saying those words and confirming that they were true ripped at my heart.  We updated our parents on the plan to be admitted at 7pm Friday night for a Saturday induction.  After visiting my mom and seeing my dad who had come home, we went home.  We decided our last night at home with Simon was going to be spent doing something as a family, spending time together.  We all watched the Olympics that night and got one final adventure picture with Simon watching the Olympics.  The rest of the night was uneventful.  We got the kids to bed and took a bath because I was still having some contractions and was sore.  We went to bed that night around 10 and just held each other and talked and at some point drifted off to sleep.

At 2:30am, I woke up with more contractions.  They were a little more intense, enough that they were waking me up.  They continued every 7-15 minutes or so and I would just fall asleep before another started.  At 4:30 I took some Benadryl so that I could sleep a little easier in between contractions which worked like a charm.  I slept in between contractions until about 6:30 when they started getting a little more intense but stayed about 7-10 minutes apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of laying there in my bed with my husband holding my hand, rubbing my face or arm, reminding me to breathe and telling me how good I was doing.  It was beautiful to lay there, with him, as my body was working on bringing our child into this world.  Around 7:30 we got out of bed and headed downstairs.  Tanner was home for the day since we knew this was our last day at home and that we’d be heading in that night to have Simon.  I laid on the couch for the morning listening to worship music as contractions came every 5-7 minutes.  Ryan was there to hold my hand through most of the contractions and if he wasn’t, Tanner let me squeeze his.  I continued to feel the contractions get stronger and eventually they started coming closer together.  Ryan mentioned several times that maybe it was time to go to the hospital, but I told him it was okay and we’d wait a while yet.  I insisted that I take a bath, too.  Ryan and Leah went up to the bathroom and ran me bath water.  Leah (who always makes us laugh) asked whose bath it was and Ryan told her it was Mommy’s.  She then insisted that I have a green bath with her color tablets that we bought her for Christmas.  I came upstairs, got in the bath and it felt so good.  The whole time I was in the bath, Leah insisted that she get undressed and join me and even threw her toys in for me to play with.  At one point, she leaned over the tub and fell head first into the tub which necessitated an outfit change.  I continued contracting every 4-6 minutes for a while and then contractions quickly started coming every 2-4 minutes.  I decided maybe now it was time to go to the hospital so I told Ryan.  He went to get the van started and loaded while I got out of the tub and made my way downstairs.  We eventually made it out to the van just before 11am.  As I was walking there, however, I had another very painful contraction and felt a lot of pressure.  Ladies, you know how to make your husband a little nervous?  Labor all morning and refuse his thoughts of going to the hospital but then when you decide it’s time tell him “I think we should hurry”.  Did I mention it takes nearly an hour to get to the hospital from our house?  I’m not going to lie, it was kind of funny.  I sent our OB doctor a text and let her know that we were on our way down with contractions coming often.  She let me know she would try to be there but I knew she was in clinic that day and it was unlikely.  I asked her who was on call and it just so happened to be the doctor that I didn’t care for that I saw earlier in the pregnancy.  I told Ryan this and like we both said, it didn’t matter, we would be okay no matter what.

The whole way down to Des Moines, I listened to my worship/labor music.  I remember focusing on the words and praying for God to get me through every contraction and I felt like he was taking my pain away.  It was amazing how different the contractions were when I was able to focus versus the ones that I just couldn’t focus on anything but the pain.  Ryan called our parents and let them know we were headed to the hospital and my parents were planning on meeting us there to take the kids with his parents coming shortly after.  We arrived at the hospital and after stopping several times for contractions, made it to the check-in desk.  I signed my papers and watched the secretary as she wrote our check-in time down: 11:43am.  As soon as we got to the desk, I saw the nurse that delivered Leah standing there and I just knew she would be our nurse…and sure enough, she was.  That made Ryan and I feel so good, to see a familiar face, even if she didn’t remember ours (which I’m sure she didn’t).  On our way down to our room we met my dad as he was getting off the elevator.  We got down to our room and Audra, our nurse, gave me a gown to get changed and said she’d be back in a bit to get an IV started and get us settled in.  I changed, continued having contractions the whole time and was slightly miserable with the pain.  Ryan continued to be supportive and help me through them.  I was thinking at that point how good pain medicine sounded, even though I didn’t think I wanted any before.  At 12:15, Audra came back into our room.  She asked me about pain medication and I told her I wanted to see how far along I was before I decided on whether or not I wanted any.  My parents left at that point to take the kids down to get them some lunch.  I got in the bed and around 12:20, Audra checked my cervix.  She could feel the bag of water bulging and didn’t want to break it.  She first said that she thought I was pretty far along and I just thought to myself “Thank you, God!  I bet I’m 5-6cm already!”  She kept feeling and looked a little confused almost. She finally said that I was fully dilated.  I immediately got so scared.  I was excited to be fully dilated and to meet our baby but in my heart I knew that this pregnancy was over and that the next phase was going to start, the one where we mourned the loss of our son.  I sent Dr. Amy a message that I was fully dilated because she wanted me to keep her updated.  She sent me back a message that said “I’m walking over. Which room r u?”  I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see that message.  She came in our room at about 12:25pm and got all of her “attire” on.  As she was and getting everything ready to check me, my mom came back in, not realizing how close things were.  I was in tears and I asked my mom to come here and I told her I just needed a hug.  I hugged my mom so tight and then she was gone.  I looked down and saw tears in Amy’s eyes.  I have to tell you how beautiful of a person she is and how lucky we were to have her as part of our care.  At 12:30pm, Amy checked my cervix herself to be sure I was fully dilated, which I was, and broke my water.  I started pushing.  I remember Amy saying how much hair he had as she saw him coming down and I remember her saying he was looking at Daddy as he came out.  At 12:35pm, after less than 5 minutes of pushing, Simon Leo Carstensen was born into this world.  He was laid up on my chest and I started bawling.  He was so perfect…SO perfect.  He was our baby and no matter what was physically wrong with him, that’s all he was at that moment…our perfect baby boy.    

Our birth was amazing.  I couldn’t have wished for anything more.  Even though I wanted him to be born alive, I was so relieved that he wasn’t.  I can’t fathom how hard birth would have been on his little body.  Knowing that he didn’t suffer provides me great relief.  We got our other two wishes, Simon chose his own day and we had an amazingly beautiful birth.  I don’t care what anyone says, our birth was perfectly orchestrated by someone higher than us.  God gave us this glorious birth with our son that he knew we needed…and like Ryan said, I’m sure Simon was there pleading our case.

I’ll write more later, when I need a little more therapy 

Simon's Obituary

 The last few days have been a complete whirlwind.  We continue to be overwhelmed by the kind words of so many who care for us.  As Ryan and I are settling into our new reality, our hearts are filled with an extreme and unfathomable love and heartache for our son.  We were so blessed with our time with Simon and know that each and every thing that has happened has been an act of God, everything from Simon being given to us, the time he had in the womb, his loss before birth and the birth itself.  Our hearts hurt but are filled with an unbelievable love and gratitude for being able to walk this journey with each other and with our Savior.  I look forward to sharing some of the moments that we shared with Simon, but at this time, my heart hurts too much to do so.

Ryan and I spent part of yesterday doing something no parents should have to do.  We wrote our sweet Simon's obituary, something we know we, as his parents, needed to do.  It was heartbreaking to stare at the computer screen and not know what to write, but when we did finally start writing it felt so good to honor his precious, God-given life.

Simon Leo Carstensen

Simon Leo Carstensen was born February 7, 2014, into the arms of the Lord.  Simon fought to survive 40 weeks of pregnancy before leaving his earthly body.  During his time, Simon and his family were able to create many beautiful memories including building Legos with Daddy, eating a lot of Dairy Queen with Mommy, going to car shows, going to a waterpark with his siblings and riding in Grandpa’s combine.  Simon touched many lives in his short time on earth.  

Left to remember Simon’s precious life are his parents, Ryan and Charity Carstensen, big brother, Tanner and big sister, Leah.  Simon’s grandparents are Joel and Peggy Carstensen and Kevin and Shirley Gute.  Simon is also survived by great-grandparents Rosalie Trimble, Ray and Virginia Carstensen, and Olin and Vera Kimball and many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who loved him dearly.  Simon was greeted in heaven by his great-grandfather, Leo Trimble, and cousin, Brianna Hilton.  

Memorials may be sent to the family at PO Box 335, Roland, Iowa 50236.  Memorials will be given in Simon’s name to the SHINE perinatal palliative care program and other organizations that have assisted our family through enjoying the time we had with Simon and healing our hearts after our loss.   

Funeral Services for Simon

Funeral services for Simon will be held on Wednesday at 11am at Harvest Evangelical Free Church, 524 River Hills Drive, Story City. We have realized just how many lives our precious boy has touched and invite those who he touched to help us recognize his short but sweet life. We have also set up a memorial and will be making a donation in Simon’s name to a foundation that has helped our family create memories with Simon in the time we were blessed to carry him. Donations can be sent in Simon’s name to P.O. Box 335, Roland, Iowa 50236. Thank you for your continued prayers for our family as we travel this journey of loss and healing.

Our sweet Simon Leo has arrived

On February 7, 2014, at 12:35pm, Simon Leo was born to us after a beautiful and natural labor and delivery.  Simon had been welcomed into his forever home days before.  Ryan and I spent almost 22 amazing hours with him and many of those hours he was surrounded by others who love him.  Not once was he not being loved and cared for.  We ask at this time you keep us all in your prayers, especially Ryan and I, who are dealing with more pain than we could have ever imagined.  While our hearts are hurting, we are praising the one who is going to heal our hearts.  This whole process is that of a bigger power and we are so thankful for His love and forgiveness.  Because of His mercy for all of us, our Simon is in the Lord’s arms and will be taken care of in Heaven by the Lord and by his great grandfather, Leo Trimble.  This we are sure of this and it brings us great peace.  We praise God for the last 9 months our baby fought and for the beautiful, precious time we were able to spend with him.  We wouldn’t change a thing about his life with us.  Funeral arrangements for our Simon are pending and we will post when they are made.  Until then, hug everyone you love.  Parents, please hug your children tight and tell them just how much you love them.  And please continue to lift our family up in prayer as we begin our healing process.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalms 139: 13-16