Late Wednesday, Dr. West, the perinatologist called. We talked a little more about baby's chromosome abnormality. There is further testing that they want to do to determine where the split is at in baby's chromosomes but they had to have our approval before running the tests because they are so expensive (yikes!). She did think insurance would cover them but still had to get authorization just in case. The results of this will tell us how severe baby's condition is and will likely determine whether or not we pursue aggressive cares for baby. We also found out baby's sex from the amnio results...but are keeping it a secret until we have a name and identify for baby :) Sorry for the teaser :)
On Thursday, we met with our new OB doctor, Dr. Bingaman. Dr. Bingaman was very nice but being somewhere "foreign" was a little strange and yet another reminder that everything isn't "normal". It was nice to talk to her and find out what the next steps are. It sounds like the OB will manage my end of the pregnancy and leave most of the baby care to the perinatologists. If baby's tests turn out that there is little chance for survival, we will probably stay in DM and not pursue surgeries or aggressive measures. If there is reasonable chance for survival, however, then we will start looking for surgeons. When we settle on a place for surgery, we will likely meet their OBs and figure out a plan for delivery if all goes as planned. Micromanaging what is supposed to be a natural event just seems wrong, but it's what is right for our baby and our situation, I suppose. We also talked about what we might expect once the pregnancy gets a little further along. There was talk of three separate testings every week at some point after 28 weeks and growth scans every 3 weeks. That is all up in the air at this point and will determine how aggressively we watch the baby.
This process is hard for me. Every bit of it. I know I seem strong, and I am. But I'm hurting. If a parent someday reads this blog to help them, I want them to know that the sadness is okay and you don't always have to be/seem strong. Some of these posts I write with tears pouring down my face. I break down and cry, I have bad days, sad moments. I see baby clothes at the store and my heart aches knowing I shouldn't buy them. I see pregnant mothers and I feel envy that they are probably carrying a healthy baby and I wish I was. I see sweet little babies and feel saddened that ours isn't going to look the same, that I won't experience the normal baby routine. I look in the mirror and realize I'm not growing as much as I should and I feel sad. I am sad, but I am strong. I hope parents who go through this know you can be both at once. I'm not a superwoman, and I know I will never be. I'm a real person with real feelings that don't always come through a computer.
With that, I think I shall retire for the night. Homework for 3 hours before bed just didn't seem like the way to end the night, but updating about our sweet little baby seemed just right.
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