Another long overdue update.

So…back to this blogging business.  Quite a bit has changed since my last update.  Here’s a blurb on it.

Job-I started my job last September.  It’s pretty awesome.  I get my own office (with a window!), underground parking and get to work with some pretty awesome people, both providers and staff.  I’ve learned so much the last year.  It’s truly been a great place to start my career.

House-It’s done!  My poor parents suffered through us living in their house for 8 months (or maybe we suffered for 8 months…).  We moved into our new house in April.  It’s seriously such a blessing.  I love every bit of it, especially my cabinet that holds my cookie sheets.  I didn’t even know I wanted it.  But really, we’re so lucky to have this little piece of land and our home.  The kids and dog have room to run, hopefully next year will bring us a garden-more than the corn patch that we had this year.  And our Simon tree is planted, which makes it feel even more like home.  We waited a long time to get that in the ground.  I love seeing it from all of the back windows of the house, it makes me think of Simon every time I see it.

Tanner-He. Is. 12.  Twelve.  XII.  So…weird.  He’s almost a teenager.  I’m not really sure when that happened.  He’s rocking the 6^th grade right now.  He’s getting ready to go to D.C. with Grandpa Gute for a few days next month.  I’m so excited for his opportunity. 

Leah-She’s spunky.  Right now, she’s laying on the couch boycotting a nap because of course…she’s not tired.  When is a 3 year old tired?  Surely the fact that she’s crying at absolutely everything doesn’t mean she’s tired. ..  At any rate, she’s nearly 4.  She started preschool this year and is learning a lot of letters, numbers, songs and even learns more about Jesus at her preschool.  This girl is truly a blessing in our lives.

Ryan and I are just fine.  We’re living this dream life and sometimes it’s hard to believe.  I watched him one day last week with the kids.  My eyes welted up with tears…this is what I dreamed of when I was little.  This is it.  I really do have it all and somedays I get so caught up in life that I forget how truly blessed I am.

So our other news…our big news is that we’re adding to our family.  And we’re not adding one, we’re adding two.  What a surprise!  We found out we were pregnant at the tail end of August.  I was pretty sure I wasn’t pregnant because several tests had been negative so I took just one more…and BAM!  We’re having a baby!  We were so excited!  I was on cloud 9 that whole day.  But…as any PAL (pregnancy after loss) mom knows, my excitement was soon filled with fear and anxiety.  My emotions were a roller coaster.  I was so glad when our high risk OB doctor wanted to do an early ultrasound at about 8 weeks.  I really didn’t want to have to wait any longer. 

From the time we found out we were pregnant until our ultrasound I was a nervous wreck.  As crazy as it sounds, I couldn’t wait for 6 weeks for my morning sickness to kick in.  Every one of the other kids blessed me with awful morning sickness as soon as I hit 6 weeks.  It was like clockwork.  So 6 weeks rolled around, I had my meds ready to fight it…but nothing.  Then 6 ½ weeks…7 weeks…nothing.  I was so wishing it would start to give me a sign my baby was growing okay.  I was a nervous wreck.  Finally 8 weeks hit and it was time for our ultrasound.  I remember sitting in the waiting room telling myself to breathe.  I felt an elephant on my chest.  I was just reliving getting awful news about Simon.  I was imagining going into the ultrasound room and the tech saying she had to get the doctor.  And the news that we didn’t have a viable pregnancy.  And then the waiting-what would I do-would I wait for my body to pass the baby naturally?  Would I take the pill?  What would I tell the kids?  Would I ever be able to walk this road again if I had another loss?  Oh, the tricks the mind plays on you, the way the devil enters your mind is phenomenal.  In the midst of my thoughts, I was people watching…because I just like to.  There was a couple there who was visibly pregnant.  At the desk I heard her saying it was her first time there.  She sat down and waited.  Her husband had his arm around her.  She looked like she was worried.  I heard him say to her “relax…breathe”.  They were there just like we were there nearly two years ago.  They had found something to say their baby wasn’t perfect.  My heart broke for them.  My own selfish thoughts stopped.  I started thinking about their journey.  I hoped it wasn’t something life threatening, something they could face head on and deal with.  But really, I had no idea.  So I just prayed for them.  Prayed for me and our baby.  And I could breathe a little bit again. 

So, all of that and we get in the room.  Still can’t breathe.  I change into the gown.  The ultrasound tech comes back and she has a student.  This poor student, I thought.  She has to see how cruel the world can be.  I really was so convinced that my baby wasn’t okay.  So…can you imagine to my surprise when the ultrasound tech found TWO babies?!  She asked if this was our first ultrasound and of course it was.  Ryan and I both knew when she said that that we had two babies (we both thought maybe the second circle was my bladder).  TWO BABIES!!!!  And she said they both had strong heartbeats.  Two babies.  Two heartbeats.  God is good.  I failed to trust Him, the devil had me just like he wanted me coming into that ultrasound.  Scared, doubting.  But God is more powerful and look at what He had given us.  Tears streamed from my face.  And the only thing I could think of was Simon.  This was Simon and Jesus and Ryan’s grandpa.  They gave us these babies and they were just laughing as Ryan and I continued in shock.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.  Sometimes I let myself forget that.

To say I haven’t continued to have doubts and anxiety would be a huge understatement.  Until these babies are in my arms, I will probably continue to have a lot of doubts and fears.  Immediately after the ultrasound, however, I remember thinking that God wants us to have these babies.  He isn’t going to take them away.  He wants us to keep them, I just know it. 

About a week ago, right after we announced our pregnancy to the Facebook world, I started bleeding.  When you have pregnancy after a loss, every time you go to the bathroom, you look for blood.  Of course, there usually isn’t but this time there was.  My heart was in my toes.  I was so excited and now I was bleeding.  I talked to our doctor who advised I put my feet up, take some Tylenol and drink a lot of water.  So I did.  But the bleeding got heavier.  Really, really heavy…like I was sure there’s no way I still had babies in there.  We ended up going to the ER.  On the way to the ER I felt a peace, though.  I prayed and I knew that whatever was going on, God was taking care of our babies.  I knew it was possible that they weren’t still in my womb but I still just had a peace that God’s got this.  He really, really did.  I just knew it.  Long story short, our babies were okay, both wiggling around on the ultrasound in the ER.  There was, however, a large area of bleeding called a subchorionic hemorrhage.  I had no idea what that meant other than it was scary. 

The next morning, I talked to our doctor.  She advised that I be off work and keep my feet up until the next week when I had another ultrasound scheduled.  So, that’s what I did.  The last week I’ve been home with my feet up, relaxing (read: being bored).  We had another ultrasound yesterday and unfortunately, it had increased significantly in size.  So, more bedrest for me and we see how it looks in another 2-3 weeks.  Hopefully at that time it is gone or really gone down in size but time will tell.  In the meantime, I’ve had pretty awesome friends offering up meals and coming to see me so I don’t go crazy.  Today, I watched a video on how to crochet.  Not sure if I’ll be any good at it but maybe I can talk Leah into wearing something I make? 

So, over the next three weeks, I might have a lot of time to blog, sleep, watch Netflix, read my bible, sleep…and the list goes on.  Should be a good time.

Pssst…the non-tired 3 year old is now sleeping.  Mom wins!