Simon's birth story

The last 10 days have definitely been some of the longest in my life.  I’ve had so many thoughts ranging from happy to devastated, excited to cautious.  There have been so many thoughts I’ve wanted to write but I needed the time to just breathe and live in the moment.  Ryan went back to work today and is going to work every other day this week to ease us all into our new normal life before going back full-time next week.   So far the day has been okay, a few ups and downs but I think that’s to be expected.

I’ve realized in this process just how much relief writing provides.  I’ll be honest, I do it mostly for myself, but I know everyone who reads our posts cares so much about us.  I do want to say that every message that has been sent, via email, Facebook or snail mail has been read, even if I don’t reply.  Ryan and I have been so blessed in this experience to realize how many people care about our family.  We’ve been humbled by everyone’s kind words and gestures and I hope you all know how much we truly, truly appreciate every ounce of kindness that’s been shown and/or spoken to us.  

I’ve found myself the last 10 days telling everyone that will listen our birth story (or parts of it).  This whole pregnancy I’ve had three wishes: 1. To meet Simon alive 2. To have a natural delivery and 3. To let Simon choose his own day to be born.  Our birth story started on February 6^th which was Simon’s due date.  I don’t think anyone, including us, thought Simon would make it as far as he did in pregnancy.  He was definitely a little fighter.  At 4:30am on February 6^th, I started having some bleeding and was contracting every 10 minutes or so.  Some of the contractions would get a little worse and some weren’t so bad.  This lasted intermittently throughout the morning along with lower back pain but nothing ever got too bad.  We had an appointment with Dr. Amy at 11:15 that morning and we were going to discuss our induction that would happen on Monday if Simon still hadn’t been born.  I picked Ryan up around 10:15 to head down to Des Moines.  We talked on the way there, as we had been the last week, that Simon really hadn’t been moving.  We talked about the possibility that he was gone and we both knew that it was okay if he was-we’d been blessed with so much time with him already.  We got to the doctor’s office, checked in and waited a while past our appointment time to meet with Dr. Amy.  I was contracting intermittently throughout the waiting but still, wasn’t too bad.  We finally went back to the room after getting my weight and urine sample.  The nurse did the routine things like my blood pressure and heart rate.  Then she got out the Doppler to listen to Simon’s heart.  Ryan and I looked at each other, a look that couldn’t be put into words.  We knew this was the “moment of truth”.  The nurse put the Doppler on my stomach and Ryan and I knew right away that he was gone.  Simon’s heart was found immediately on our other visits so we knew.  We just kept looking at each other, occasionally glancing at the nurse who I’m pretty sure was more nervous than we were.  We both had time to accept that this was a possibility coming into this appointment.  The nurse kept saying that maybe he was just sitting funny or maybe he had flipped breach and that Dr. Amy would likely find his heart rate.  I found myself easing her and telling her it was okay and that we knew he was probably gone.  She left and then Dr. Amy came in pretty quickly after.  We did the normal chat and I told her that I had been having some changes already.  She checked my cervix and I was dilated to 1cm but not effaced very much.  She then listened for a heartbeat and couldn’t find one either which was no surprise, again.  She said we’d go down to do an ultrasound as soon as the previous person was finished.  She went out, I got dressed and a few minutes later we were headed into the ultrasound room.  I laid down on the table and got my stomach exposed for them to do the ultrasound.  Ryan sat down with Leah and we took each other’s hands.  First, Dr. Amy made sure he was still head down, which he was.  I anxiously watched the screen, looking for that little movement I watched for so many times before.  But there was none.  Amy showed us the screen, pointed out his ribcage and his heart.  His still heart, not beating the way we’d seen it many times before.  I started crying immediately, knowing my fear and my instinct were correct yet again in this pregnancy.  My heart broke there in that little room, for I knew that he would never look at me, that I would never hear his cry, see his little chest move up and down or hold him in my arms while he slipped into the arms of Jesus.  So many emotions flooded over me.  Dr. Amy told us we could be admitted immediately or we could go home and get our things first and come back.  I had said the entire pregnancy that if we found out we lost him, I wanted my body to go into labor on its own as long as it was safe for me.  So I told her we didn’t want to be induced immediately and we decided on inducing on Saturday so that Dr. Amy would be there to deliver since she was on call starting at 7am that day.  Ryan and I stayed in the room for a couple minutes and finally went out and made our way to the car.  

I got to the car and as we were leaving the hospital, I called my dad and Ryan called his dad.  My mom was awaiting our phone call so she would know how the appointment went but she was home alone so we ended up going there to tell her.  With my dad and my mom, through tears I said that he was gone, that we had lost him.  I knew this was a real possibility this entire pregnancy but saying those words and confirming that they were true ripped at my heart.  We updated our parents on the plan to be admitted at 7pm Friday night for a Saturday induction.  After visiting my mom and seeing my dad who had come home, we went home.  We decided our last night at home with Simon was going to be spent doing something as a family, spending time together.  We all watched the Olympics that night and got one final adventure picture with Simon watching the Olympics.  The rest of the night was uneventful.  We got the kids to bed and took a bath because I was still having some contractions and was sore.  We went to bed that night around 10 and just held each other and talked and at some point drifted off to sleep.

At 2:30am, I woke up with more contractions.  They were a little more intense, enough that they were waking me up.  They continued every 7-15 minutes or so and I would just fall asleep before another started.  At 4:30 I took some Benadryl so that I could sleep a little easier in between contractions which worked like a charm.  I slept in between contractions until about 6:30 when they started getting a little more intense but stayed about 7-10 minutes apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of laying there in my bed with my husband holding my hand, rubbing my face or arm, reminding me to breathe and telling me how good I was doing.  It was beautiful to lay there, with him, as my body was working on bringing our child into this world.  Around 7:30 we got out of bed and headed downstairs.  Tanner was home for the day since we knew this was our last day at home and that we’d be heading in that night to have Simon.  I laid on the couch for the morning listening to worship music as contractions came every 5-7 minutes.  Ryan was there to hold my hand through most of the contractions and if he wasn’t, Tanner let me squeeze his.  I continued to feel the contractions get stronger and eventually they started coming closer together.  Ryan mentioned several times that maybe it was time to go to the hospital, but I told him it was okay and we’d wait a while yet.  I insisted that I take a bath, too.  Ryan and Leah went up to the bathroom and ran me bath water.  Leah (who always makes us laugh) asked whose bath it was and Ryan told her it was Mommy’s.  She then insisted that I have a green bath with her color tablets that we bought her for Christmas.  I came upstairs, got in the bath and it felt so good.  The whole time I was in the bath, Leah insisted that she get undressed and join me and even threw her toys in for me to play with.  At one point, she leaned over the tub and fell head first into the tub which necessitated an outfit change.  I continued contracting every 4-6 minutes for a while and then contractions quickly started coming every 2-4 minutes.  I decided maybe now it was time to go to the hospital so I told Ryan.  He went to get the van started and loaded while I got out of the tub and made my way downstairs.  We eventually made it out to the van just before 11am.  As I was walking there, however, I had another very painful contraction and felt a lot of pressure.  Ladies, you know how to make your husband a little nervous?  Labor all morning and refuse his thoughts of going to the hospital but then when you decide it’s time tell him “I think we should hurry”.  Did I mention it takes nearly an hour to get to the hospital from our house?  I’m not going to lie, it was kind of funny.  I sent our OB doctor a text and let her know that we were on our way down with contractions coming often.  She let me know she would try to be there but I knew she was in clinic that day and it was unlikely.  I asked her who was on call and it just so happened to be the doctor that I didn’t care for that I saw earlier in the pregnancy.  I told Ryan this and like we both said, it didn’t matter, we would be okay no matter what.

The whole way down to Des Moines, I listened to my worship/labor music.  I remember focusing on the words and praying for God to get me through every contraction and I felt like he was taking my pain away.  It was amazing how different the contractions were when I was able to focus versus the ones that I just couldn’t focus on anything but the pain.  Ryan called our parents and let them know we were headed to the hospital and my parents were planning on meeting us there to take the kids with his parents coming shortly after.  We arrived at the hospital and after stopping several times for contractions, made it to the check-in desk.  I signed my papers and watched the secretary as she wrote our check-in time down: 11:43am.  As soon as we got to the desk, I saw the nurse that delivered Leah standing there and I just knew she would be our nurse…and sure enough, she was.  That made Ryan and I feel so good, to see a familiar face, even if she didn’t remember ours (which I’m sure she didn’t).  On our way down to our room we met my dad as he was getting off the elevator.  We got down to our room and Audra, our nurse, gave me a gown to get changed and said she’d be back in a bit to get an IV started and get us settled in.  I changed, continued having contractions the whole time and was slightly miserable with the pain.  Ryan continued to be supportive and help me through them.  I was thinking at that point how good pain medicine sounded, even though I didn’t think I wanted any before.  At 12:15, Audra came back into our room.  She asked me about pain medication and I told her I wanted to see how far along I was before I decided on whether or not I wanted any.  My parents left at that point to take the kids down to get them some lunch.  I got in the bed and around 12:20, Audra checked my cervix.  She could feel the bag of water bulging and didn’t want to break it.  She first said that she thought I was pretty far along and I just thought to myself “Thank you, God!  I bet I’m 5-6cm already!”  She kept feeling and looked a little confused almost. She finally said that I was fully dilated.  I immediately got so scared.  I was excited to be fully dilated and to meet our baby but in my heart I knew that this pregnancy was over and that the next phase was going to start, the one where we mourned the loss of our son.  I sent Dr. Amy a message that I was fully dilated because she wanted me to keep her updated.  She sent me back a message that said “I’m walking over. Which room r u?”  I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see that message.  She came in our room at about 12:25pm and got all of her “attire” on.  As she was and getting everything ready to check me, my mom came back in, not realizing how close things were.  I was in tears and I asked my mom to come here and I told her I just needed a hug.  I hugged my mom so tight and then she was gone.  I looked down and saw tears in Amy’s eyes.  I have to tell you how beautiful of a person she is and how lucky we were to have her as part of our care.  At 12:30pm, Amy checked my cervix herself to be sure I was fully dilated, which I was, and broke my water.  I started pushing.  I remember Amy saying how much hair he had as she saw him coming down and I remember her saying he was looking at Daddy as he came out.  At 12:35pm, after less than 5 minutes of pushing, Simon Leo Carstensen was born into this world.  He was laid up on my chest and I started bawling.  He was so perfect…SO perfect.  He was our baby and no matter what was physically wrong with him, that’s all he was at that moment…our perfect baby boy.    

Our birth was amazing.  I couldn’t have wished for anything more.  Even though I wanted him to be born alive, I was so relieved that he wasn’t.  I can’t fathom how hard birth would have been on his little body.  Knowing that he didn’t suffer provides me great relief.  We got our other two wishes, Simon chose his own day and we had an amazingly beautiful birth.  I don’t care what anyone says, our birth was perfectly orchestrated by someone higher than us.  God gave us this glorious birth with our son that he knew we needed…and like Ryan said, I’m sure Simon was there pleading our case.

I’ll write more later, when I need a little more therapy