I am going to be okay

I’ve been sitting on the couch for days, sometimes mustering up the strength to color or play…one day I even scrapbooked.  I’ve gotten out of the house a few times with Ryan and even ventured out once with both of the kids…by myself *gasp*.  It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  No one told me what it would be like.  No one told me how bad my heart would hurt.  No one told me how I would be fine one moment and in tears the next.  No one told me how much my arms would need a baby.  No one told me I’d look at every pregnant woman and every infant and feel an undeniable jealousy.  No one told me that the moment we handed over our baby would be the hardest moment of my life, that it would feel like my heart was being taken out of my chest and stomped on.  No one told me because no one could.  No one could have prepared me for what it’s like when you lose a part of yourself, your child.  I’m sure people would love to warn you, just as I’d like to warn other parents, but you can’t…you just can’t.  You can’t put into words or imaginable emotions the agony and anguish your heart feels when a part of you is gone.  

What people can tell you is how to help yourself.  I found an amazing support group online for parents who have gone through a similar loss.  I posted one day that I just couldn’t find the strength to do anything, even play with Leah.  They had such great words.  Several of them said start with baby steps-get yourself dressed, make sure you’re both eating, start with something as small as coloring with your daughter.  And I did.  I’ve been dressed most days, we’ve had something to eat for lunch every day, even if it is the same thing 3 days in a row because my mind and body just can’t do more.  And we’ve colored…which turned into reading…which turned into cooking at her kitchen…which has turned into doing puzzles…which has turned into smiles for this mama.  Not guilty smiles either.  The first few days, I felt guilty if I laughed…did Simon know that even though I was smiling or laughing, I was still thinking about him?  Did he think I was forgetting about how much my heart hurt for him?  Did he know that I still would give anything for him to be in my arms?  Did he know that even though I was smiling, I was still needed him?  I know those feelings are so silly, but it doesn’t stop a hurting mama heart from wondering.  

There’s been more light in every day.  There has been a lighter feeling about me and my heart.  I don’t wake up in a sweat at night because I’m clenching Simon’s bear so hard.  I am functioning to get us by, even if it is at a much lower level than is normal.  I am cleaning our house, making some meals, getting off the couch during the day.  I’m soaking in lyrics to songs about hurt and healing without breaking down every time.  I’m looking at pictures of Simon and loving the memories instead of just crying. 

Today I sat down and read through my entire blog for the first time since Simon left us.  I cried, I laughed, I remembered what each of those moments was like.  I remembered crying as I wrote certain parts of those blogs.  And as I write now, one sticks out to me.  I am sad, I am strong.  It feels like me, right now.  I’m sad, I miss my baby so much, I miss feeling kicks on my right side, I miss waking up in the middle of the night because he was pushing…I miss not having this empty arms feeling.  But I’m strong.  I’m going to be okay and although some moments I don’t know that it’s true, my whole being knows it.  I know I am going to get through this because I am strong and so are those around me.  I’m being held up by my husband.  He’s holding me through every cry, through every sleepless moment…he makes sure I know how much he loves me, even if it’s with a look.  He’s my rock and because of him and everything we are together, I am going to be okay.