Carstensen Family: Final ultrasound and picture overload

Yesterday, we had the blessing of seeing Simon for the final time on ultrasound. I can't tell you the range of emotions that came over me. It's always exciting to see your little one on ultrasound, bouncing around, waving hands and kicking feet. On the way to the ultrasound, I couldn't help but think that it was so bittersweet, the excitement of seeing Simon again but knowing there's a real chance this could be the last time we see him with his little heart beating. Even with that though, Ryan mentioned how it was the best ultrasound we've had yet. And yes, it was. We didn't have to analyze what things were, we didn't have to worry about the bad news the doctor had looming after. It was pure joy, every minute of it. Our children and my mother were able to come and see little Simon, too. He's measuring in at 2 pounds 3 ounces right now, so he's going to be quite a bitty little guy. We have an outfit for him that Ryan and I picked out and he'll surely swim in it, but he'll still be perfect.

We were 36 weeks yesterday by our due date that was adjusted, 37 weeks today by our original due date. Part of me is so ready to meet this little guy and hold him and love him in our arms, but a huge part of me wants to stay pregnant forever and keep feeling his little kicks and rolls. Everything is "ready" for him to come, as much as it can be anyways. We did maternity pictures last week and they turned out wonderful. The photographer did such a great job and I can't thank her enough. The photos will bring us so many beautiful memories with Simon.

Last night as Ryan and I were laying in bed, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him I was thinking how completely overwhelming it is to know so many people care for us. There are people who have shared in our sorrow from near and far and some who don't even know us at all. The thoughts, prayers, cards, hugs and everything else has done has been a reminder of how blessed we are in this life. I can't thank you all enough for what you've done for us and how I know you all will continue to support us, even after Simon is gone from this earth.

Here is a song I want to share with you all. It's a tear-jerker for sure, but it's a beautiful song, written by a couple who lost their child after carrying her knowing that she wouldn't survive out of the womb.

You're probably crying now, so sorry for that. But it's beautiful. I cry every time I hear it. "I will praise the one who has chosen me to carry you." This has been the most heartbreaking time of my life, but I am so, so blessed to be Simon's mommy. He has taught me so much about my life, my relationship with Jesus, what kind of mommy to be and what's really important in life. I will cherish the memories that we've made with him and continue to love him. And I know someday I'll be able to love him the way I want to. I know he'll be waiting for us. Like the song says, too, Jesus will hold him and love him, so much better than we ever can until we're able to do it ourselves.

On a happier note, here are some more pictures of Simon, as I promised and as have been long overdue. It's been such a blessing to carry this little guy, to be his mommy and to feel him moving inside of me. I wouldn't trade the tears I've cried and the heartbreak I've felt for the joy of loving him.